Requiem of a decade – 1 month later

If you are reading this, I believe you have read the last one Requiem of a decade . If not, please go and give it a read as it is a continuation of that only (which is quite clear through the name also).

Now coming to this post.

  • Joined office back. Damn, I get way too tired. Traveling to and back from office is taking a toll on my body. Man, I am way too tired by the time I reach home. Just eat and sleep. 
  • Completed the latest seasons of 3 series: Inside Edge, Titans and Rick & Morty. Why had they made the latest season of Rick & Morty is still a question. If you don’t have content, then take a break. Why everyone in the Hollywood wants to meet the fate of final season of Games of Thrones, I don’t know.
  • Current music streaming services’ subscriptions(JioSaavn and Spotify) are about to end in coming 30-40 days, so for exploring new and better option, I had subscribed to Apple Music(I own an Android device). First 3 months are free, so no worries. I am liking the interface and the recommendations aren’t perfect but they are definitely better than what I have seen in others. Biggest advantage of Apple Music over others is that it has a vast content library(I found almost all the songs I searched in the app). I have written extensively on Music Streaming services here. The main thing I am fascinated by the Apple Music is their Human Curated Playlists. Google about it. Human + Algorithm is coming back and this time it is for the good.
  • Two of my friends are leaving the company. Now I have to make new friends to talk to. Urrgghhh. I hate socialising.
  • Contradicting to the previous point, I need to try to become more open and social as my mother thinks I am the most antisocial and boring person on the planet right now and I will regret it later on. She has been right at her predictions more than I would have imagined her to be right. So need to consider this.
  • Songs of Love Aaj Kal are turning out be great. Some hopes have arisen for the movie. Anyways Imtiaz Ali had rarely disappointed.

At last but not least, I think I am in desperate need of a long holiday.

Requiem of a decade

2010


At the beginning of the decade, life was all about deciding whether I want to do engineering or not and if I wanted to do engineering, then what should I study: Computer Science or Electrical Engineering.

Take the first case of not doing engineering.
I was an uninformed brute as I didn’t knew about design courses then(Now I have a career in Communication and Interaction design). I didn’t knew people can study different streams of design like Communication, Interaction, User Experience, User Interface, Calligraphy, etc other than fashion design. Bloody NIFT and their BS advertisements. English or Philosophy was ruled out by my 2-tier city upbringing.

Take the second case of doing engineering.
In this case I was also an uninformed brute as I didn’t knew branch change was an option available in engineering colleges. If I knew I would have went to a much better engineering college. Coming back to the topic, Mechanical was never in the discussion because you really have to have the passion for material sciences to excel in it and which I didn’t have. Electrical and Computer Science were the shortlisted ones. Both were equally interesting and both had similar future prospects. Went for Computer Science because of the Air Conditioned labs and Mathematics. Bhubaneswar is not a kind city in terms of weather. Always humid and ready to hit you with heat strokes.


2019


Now coming back to present day, I am stuck to the bed because all the substance abuse, smoking and drinking of the last 5 years have finally caught up to me. My stomach got filled up with fluids and it took an operation to pump them out and the reason was “bacterial infection”. Now I have just started walking because the strength of the medicines had left me so weak that I needed 15-20 mins just to change my postures. I am on a 3 week medical leave from the office considering my two baby projects were just started by me before falling sick. So I am worried about them too. I was sick since October but was ignoring it but one fine day I ended up visiting the hospital and the entire medical journey/turmoil started.

I wouldn’t call 2019 a good year by any account. I don’t recall anything good thing happened this year. But I will definitely respect this year a lot as it taught me a lot of things.

These are hard learned lessons. So I will also be trying to follow it.

Learnings:
  • Have breakfast no matter what. Amount you spend on Doctors usually exceeds the amount you spend on having breakfast regularly.
  • You are not as busy as you think are.
  • Your parents are getting older faster than you think.
  • You are not getting younger. Be mindful of this fact.
  • Do deep work on your skills you will be surprised by the results.
  • Read more.
  • Learn more complex things. You will need your mind to be in working condition in your old age or be ready for schizophrenia.
  • Don’t try to copy people, try to compete with them. While competing, you build on their skills but while copying, you are merely replicating their skills.
  • Read news. Know what is happening around you.
  • Your life experiences are your most prized possessions. If you don’t have life stories to tell people, start making them right now. You only have so much time.
  • Be healthy.
  • Don’t overexplain what doesn’t need explaining in the first place.
  • Small things goes a long way.
  • Learn to co-exist with idiots, fools and stupids.
  • Insurance policies are BS. Earn enough. (Important one)


Some “Past vs Present” for me:

  • 110 kgs vs 77 kgs
  • Senior high school graduate to Post Graduate
  • Loving Salman Khan to Hating Salman Khan
  • Not wearing glasses to wearing glasses
  • Pre Avengers Infinity Saga era vs Post Avengers Infinity Saga era
  • Inception vs Tenet
  • Christian Bale’s Batman to Ben Affleck’s Batman to Robert Pattinson’s Batman
  • Jamshedpur to Bhubaneswar to Bangalore to Chennai to Bangalore to Mumbai
  • Symbian to Android
  • Engineer to Designer
  • Songs.pk to Spotify/JioSaavn
  • VCDs/DVDs to Netflix/Hotstar/Amazon Prime Video
  • Sachin to Dhoni to Kohli
  • 50 over Cricket matches to 10 over Cricket matches
  • None to Manchester United to Liverpool

I think this is too much for now. So bye. See you in January’20.

Aphrodite – Venus

Wow! It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog entry. It has been a long time since I wrote anything. I am back in a full time job (which you would know if you are following this blog of mine,else what are you even doing here ?) and life has slowly slipped itself into the old routine of spending time in meetings and sitting and chatting with friends at our usual hangout places. There is one difference though, a big one. This is the first job where I am actually using “intelligence” (Yeah, most of you still consider me dumb. That’s fine, because maybe I also see you as an idiot.) and “common sense”.

In other news, I completed 9855 days on earth which is quite amusing thanks to my Hospital Resume. Maybe it is my mother’s prayer. Okay, I will not bore you with all this and let’s just jump into the main issue.

Main Thing:

Have you ever been in the presence of a woman, who is so beautiful, it hurts every time you look at her. And when words start pouring out of her mouth, every other sound in this world becomes part of a rich background musical theme which is being composed real-time (by John Williams and Hans Zimmer together) just for the two of you. When she walks into a room, every heart skips a beat and your heart stops working. You are dead even before your body hits the ground. But there is a smile on your face – the smile of contentment. You just died a very happy man – having seen the most enchanting creature on the face of this magnificent earth. Instant Nirvana!I am going to tell you this – I know two such women and I see both of them almost everyday. And each time I see them I worry about my heart – erratic heart-rate would lead to my death one of these days. There are days when I meet both of them.

It hurts! It hurts! It hurts!

Between these two women, I think I have understood the entire gamut of feminine emotions and thinking patterns (at least of the ones who make your jaw drop to the floor and your tongue to roll out like a red carpet). Though both of them have the same effect on me (and when I say me, I mean my heart), they are poles apart and screw with my mind in completely different ways.

Though both are equally gorgeous, one knows it and the other doesn’t.

The first one, let me call her Aphrodite, has probably dated a lot of losers. She is single now, but hurt and vulnerable. So, she puts on a strong front and avoids all advances. She doesn’t want to get hurt again. She knows men look at her and fantasize. So, she plays with them, tries to get her back. The foolish child wants to be in love but hates everyone who wants to be in love with her. I can understand what dear old Keats was thinking when he wrote – La belle dame sans merci – a beautiful woman with no mercy. I worry about her – engrossed all the time in work, no personal life. I have tried breaking her defences but failed.

The second one, I’ll call her Venus, does not yet know how beautiful she is. She is a little naïve and is still dating a loser who treats her miserably. She wants to break free but can’t. She can’t face the insecurity of not being in a relationship. As time will go by she’ll keep getting hurt, eventually becoming Aphrodite. I shed a tear each time I think of that.

I am trying to be a good friend to both of them – though Aphrodite keeps me at bay, where as Venus loves spending time with me. And I have a policy (a strange one, but I have adhered by it for a long time) – I never date buddies – too complicated; destroys friendships. My head hurts when I think of the whole situation. Even I don’t have the answers to everything.

 

Was there a point to all this – I am afraid not.

 

Now songs :

 

 

Adieu 2017

Ah, is it December again, right? The last month of the year. By the time it would be posted, we will be in the last week too. Isn’t it amusing that how fast a year meets it end and a new year arrives at our doorstep when we are in hangover state after our 31st December heavy drinking marathon. 

I hope this ending year was a great ride for all of you. For me, it was an exceptional year. 

Allow me list out all substantial developments and events which happened in my life this year.

1. Left Cognizant (finally). What a ride that was? Not a single day passed without surprises. Some good and some nasty.  2.7 years spent well and how much I gained there in that time was the highlight (both monetary and experiential). 

2. Met new people at UX bootcamp at Bangalore.  Discussing Design principles with them was awesome. I can’t ask for a better Design Mentor than Atul. 

3. Attended a school’s buddy engagement at Jamshedpur. It is funny how as kids we used to attend other’s engagements and weddings and now each other’s. I still have 4 years in my hand for that stuff. Reconnected with lots of old friends. 

4. Maaji got sick and luckily I was at home at that time. Thankfully my course was delayed to due some reasons. Toughest 15 days of my life. 

5. Shifted to Mumbai. Biggest event of this year. I wanted to live in Mumbai since I was 15 years old. Dreams do come true. The city didn’t disappointed me at all. 

6. Went back to advanced maths and stuff after college. Loved it but I had lost edge in it. Now I need calculator for almost everything. I am getting old, I assume. 

7. I got the best pack at S P Jain’s Big Data and Visual Analytics program. The biggest collection of unique perspectives in a class handling toughest maths and computational problems day over day. Couldn’t have asked for a better batch considering my VR program didn’t even lift off from the runway. (It is another thing that most of their thoughts are downright stupid and they make me wonder under which rock they were living before the course.) 

8. Himanshu’s Mumbai visit , coincidentally at the time when I was at my low. And the new breath of fresh perspective he brings into my life. One day hopefully, I will get a chance to work with him.

9. Made a lots of friends. Hopefully, we will meet upcoming year to talk more about design, product development and bikes.

10. N, M and A are going well interwoven in my life.

11. Crazy flatmates. I didn’t wanted to move-in in sharing flats but ended up moving in and I got a bunch of crazy people. Cheers to our late night ice cream walks at JVLR.

12. Quick visit to Bangalore to attend A’s birthday. Diwali with family was bonus.
Quick recap on what happened on this site.

  • 10 posts.
  • 50000 views.
  • 25 new followers.

It is not bad considering I don’t write that well. Let’s see how the next year turns out for me and my activities.

This year I had the company of lots of good books and movies. Follow me on Instagram to see what I am reading every now and then. My Instagram handle. 

https://www.instagram.com/abhinav_grv/

Good movies seen this year :

  • Logan
  • Justice League 
  • Star Wars : The Last Jedi
  • Tiger Zinda Hai (I am a proud bhaitard) 

Was planning to include some pictures (like last year), but wouldn’t do it because considering the amount of pictures I had taken this year, it will take another 4-5 hours as I have to go through a lot to select some. Not gonna happen. May be next year. We will see.

So signing off for this year. We will meet next year. 

Last post didn’t had any songs list so this postwill have few more. Lots of great songs came out in these last 2 months. 

A not so sane post

Saturday 

I had no plans to write it but I am writing. I don’t know why but I think this is the place where I vent out my feelings. I don’t know whether it will get published or not. If it gets published, it would be a miracle and this post will get jealousy treatment from the posts in the drafts folder. That’s the irony. I end up doing things which I either don’t like or don’t want to. It is my story since childhood but I have always improvised and now I am not able to do that even. It would be better if we don’t get into it. 

Lots of interviews. Thank God, it didn’t went upto double digits. In all of them,  I was rejected because they don’t see a designer fit for a business analyst or a data scientist role. They were all banks and some stupid start-ups.  I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you guys, just test me. May you rot in hell and your company tanks. First as an engineer, I slogged to get into UX and then as an designer, same thing for a Data Scientist role. I had the proper training and skill set but with people are people. 

Life has become a series of unending failures over the past couple of years. I have been wandering about trying to find that one great success which will help me to redeem my lost pride. Of course there are a few small things which cheer me up every now and then and make me believe that I had achieved something. But what I need is some cataclysmic event (not necessarily a disastrous one but definitely an earth-shaking one) to change the course of my life and bring me back on track. It could be getting a good job or meeting some amazing people. The only thing which helps me to maintain my faith in life is my firm belief that good things happen to good people. 

Tuesday 

I was just lying contemplating what has gone wrong in my interviews that no one is selecting me as an intern. It is the first time that a good number of companies had rejected me stating that with my design background, I might not be a Data Scientist. So you can understand, I was on verge on becoming hulk and thrashing people here and there. You don’t pay a lumpsum amount to an intern, so what the entire fuss is about. Basically, an intern is a cheap labour. So in hiring cheap labours, you don’t have the right to have pretty much high standards but I was wrong. People do have high standards. My whatsapp was muted, email accounts tabs were closed. So there was no way that I can get mails and messages from college regarding more internships news. N called me to check my mail and I did and I got selected in an advertising company. And I was so much happy, I started swearing and I swear 24*7, doesn’t matter what the situation. So normal routine calls took place. And I played games till 3am and slept because I didn’t wanted to miss India vs Sri Lanka match. The match was just awesome. Rohit Sharma’s 200 not out innings will be remembered always and it will be even tough for him to match new standards set for him by him today. 3 200+ scores in ODI sounds too good for any cricketer but he is the HIT-MAN of Indian Cricket Team so it will be fine and fun to watch further developments. 

Now back to my life. 

In a few months,  it will be time for goodbyes and farewells. I might not see these people again, ever and this thought saddens me. It is not like I like them all but I also don’t hate them. We all have different reasons to be who we are. But even then, there is no excuse for stupidity.

I am too old to make new friends now. I have been doing it for the last 25 years with great ease and have always looked forward to meeting new people and making friends. When you have studied in different educational institutions and lived in many cities , making new friends becomes detrimental to your survival. But I was always good at it. Now I am not sure whether I’ll be able to do the whole charade all over again. Judging peoples’ characters, finding the right set of people who are emotionally and mentally compatible with you, I don’t think I can do it now. Perhaps I can still do it, but I don’t have the energy or the inclination to do it. I think I have become a little too secure in my life and don’t want to leave this comfort zone.

Life seems to be following a predetermined course and I feel like a mere spectator, seeing my own life pass by. My reserve of stored optimism is slowly drying out and that is a bad thing because no matter how much I swear day in day out, I always believe that in last over, whole match can turn upside for me in a good way.  

In other news : 

Today is the last day of my freedom(or boredom or whatever else you call a state of being in limbo).  Tomorrow I take the first big step of going from IT to Media . Tomorrow I enter the world of iProspect(sister company of Dentsu Aegis Network) and start my internship . So goodbye my dear Amazon Prime and Netflix . I don’t know when we’ll meet again. The AD+Tech people are going to make me work my arse off(sorry for the profanity but if the immortal bard Shakespeare can use it, so can I). My day will begin early in the morning as I live in North Mumbai and office is in South Mumbai . After having done the usual things in the usual places(you know what I mean) I’ll catch local because 3 months cab fare will kill me. After doing my project work(I don’t even want to go into the details of that because I have no idea what I’ll be doing) till six in the evening I’ll head back home where good food, my bed and the alarm clock set for another day will be waiting for me. The vicious circle goes on.

Look at the bright side of all this(I am still trying to find that side but so far failure). So any one with a few words of wisdom or dumbness drop in a few lines. I’ll sign off with these words :

There is eternal providence even in the fall of a sparrow — Shakespeare in Hamlet. 

Long time, no see? Must there be a reason.

Well there is no reason.

Actually there is. I have run out of ideas. Last month was tough, both mentally and physically. So didn’t went out much and seen something on which I can write.

Mentally , office work was all time high. Out of three projects in which I was involved (one alone and two with team), last one was the project which has maximum work and minimum learning. Previous two were brilliant projects, “work which involves learning new things” is always a good thing . But what is done, is done. Nothing will be gained by talking about it. Last project can be easily be a case study for B-Schools about how to not manage a project.

On the other side, I got sick and ended taking up a long leave. And that leave period wasn’t a good experience. You can’t enjoy anything when your body is in pain. So to keep myself busy, I ended up revising three complete movie series.
1. Indiana Jones.
2. Star Wars.
3. Tolkien Legendarium.

J.R.R. Tolkien was one of the early pioneer in the world of fantasy story writing. Tolkien is rightfully popularly identified as the “father” of modern fantasy literature—or, more precisely, of high fantasy.

Tolkien’s Legendarium was not the first fantasy story books I read in my life. Harry Potter series were the first and with every book in that series lead to a sense of “something is missing” in me and with the Tolkien’s Legendarium, I met with such finest literary work which completely blew away my mind. Tolkien created a “body of more or less connected legend”, of which “the cycles should be linked to a majestic whole, and yet leave scope for other minds and hands, wielding paint and music and drama”.

George Lucas is also one of the finest story tellers in the world who created a completely new world with Star Wars series. Let’s see where the series will go on after the new sequels and spin-offs.

Both are the examples of what would happen if you let your imagination run wild in the right direction.

And as Harry Potter is concerned, I don’t have plans to read the latest book “Harry Potter and the cursed child” as it seems like just crushing the leaves to extract guttation fluid whatever is left in it after complete use in one cycle. Fluid may or may not come, but we will extract it, this is the thinking of the publisher and the studio who produced their theatre adaptations with a hope that it will make money and they are surely making money with that.

Akshar Pathak clearly demonstrated it in his tweet.

image

Creating a connected story universe.

This is where DCEU failed.

Yesterday I saw Suicide Squad. It was definitely better than the theatrical cut of Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice but same as the Ultimate Edition. Though it was funnier and have more coherent story structure, but it wasn’t good enough. People who had read and lived comic book storylines will agree with me on this but the newbies will disagree as they just started knowing things from the movies only. But let’s hope other titles which are due next year will be good as Ben Affleck and Geoff Johns had taken helm at DCEU and with trailers of Wonder Women and Justice League, things are looking good. Or it may be just my wishful thinking. I am a hardcore DC fan but I still admit Marvel had setup their cinematic universe brilliantly brick by brick. DC may have a long way to go but with their supportive fans both cinematic universes are here for some time. And hopefully we will get to see a lot of comic book adaptations.

Hey, why I am writing this type of things?
You may ask why there is no mention of girls, beers and some short stories and I will reply “Suckers, things are changed and I see fire. “.

Some movies are like wine, the older they get the more meaningful they become. One of that type of movie is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Brad Pitt’s one of the best performances. Right now it is going on in my laptop as with Torrent sites ban, I don’t have many new things to watch. It feels like we are again in the Napster Era where all media companies are against the free distribution of copyright materials but someway or another, it will be distributed. It is just a never ending battle between free distribution hackers and media industry lobbied governments. And we all know who will win this.

Okay enough chit-chat.
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Now the songs which are #NowPlaying.

The First

She had made fun of me the first time we met.

The acerbic words, the colourful and often (more like always) hurtful diatribes I am now known for were missing in my repertoire back then. It was a time, when once I had found out that the female of the species Canis Familiaris is called a ‘bitch’, had found it exceedingly funny and decided to christen everything I met on my way back from school by the same name, my mom had put a little red chilly powder on my tongue and warned me that if I ever called a woman that she’d disown me.

She had made fun of me and I had remained silent.

I was four years old and she was about three years older and four fingers taller than me. She could have easily taken me.

She had made fun of me and I would have done the same if I were in her position.

You see, I still hadn’t mastered the subtle art of tying my shoelaces. I never really understood the whole ‘one little bunny goes over the bridge, hides below the hedge and is then pulled out by the evil witch’ bit. What the hell was a bunny doing on my shoes anyway?

She had made fun of me and then gone ahead and tied my shoelaces.

We had become friends instantly. And we were inseparable. We were together when I lost my first tooth, when she and I learnt to ride a bicycle, when her parents split, when she had her first period (the oddest day of my life so far), when Jurassic Park came to the theatres, when she was asked out on her first date …

And then my parents decided to move to a different city.

We were sitting on top of the water tank on my terrace (our favourite place). We had not spoken for over an hour. We just sat there looking at the houses around us, the play ground where we had learnt to climb trees together and our old school in the distance. We didn’t look at each other. We didn’t want to cry.

My mom called out from the driveway. They were ready to leave. I said I’ll be down in a few minutes.

I looked at her. And did something I had never expected to do. I kissed her, kissed her for the longest possible time. But something was amiss. She wasn’t responding. Her lips weren’t moving. I kissed her harder, pulled her closer to me. Nothing. I only withdrew when I felt her tears on my cheek. Her face was expressionless. She didn’t say anything.

My mom called again. I stood up in a daze. Said goodbye. She still didn’t say anything. I stood there for a moment and then climbed down the stairs.

On the way to the railway station I did not speak to anyone. All I could think about was her. Had I done something wrong? Had I destroyed the only friendship which meant anything to me? Had I …

I was fourteen years old. And that was my first kiss?

Passions : A Pregnant Pause, every now and then.

This post is the result of a comment someone left on my blog a long time back. Miss your comments Unknown.

As we grow old we tend to lose interest in things which earlier meant a lot to us. Interests change, priorities change and some of us tend to become more focused (others like me continue existing in a chaotic mode, aiming for a gazillion goals at once). This post is a form of therapy for me, a kind of an internal review.

Passions Past

Programming, Gadgets, the Works – I started programming when I was 10 years old. And I wrote code regularly till the age of 21. One of my most enduring friendships is a result of my shared interest in computers with my friend Ankir. I loved the anticipation just before a program was getting compiled. The ‘error free’ status was almost orgasmic. Though I have written code in most of the popular languages, C and Javascript will always have a special place in my heart. I fondly remember the good old high school days, the long nights writing thousands of lines of code. I was a nerd and I am proud of it.

But somewhere down the line I got tired of it all. I haven’t done any coding in almost two years. Miss the smooth motion of my fingertips on the keyboard sometimes. 12 years is long enough. Computers were my first love, my first mistress. Maybe I still am a nerd.

Passions in Hibernation

Women! Women!! Women!!! Women!!!!
Need I say anything else?

Quizzing

Enduring Passions

Writing

Advertising

Films

Reading

On the Verge of being Passions:

Long conversations

Beers

Doodling

Will keep adding to this list and keep it as a reference.

Songs on which I am hooked on these days.

New Dream and Disastrous Food

Today after 4/5 months, I left the office early around 6pm as there was not much left to do. So I left with a hope that I will have something good for the dinner after my disastrous lunch at ESC, Manyata Tech Park.

I spotted a short scrawny 22-something girl was standing with a tall (very) stunning enchantress. Contempt, hatred and loathing for my very being were tightly packed together in an unwavering look from the short one. I have drawn some sharp reactions from people in the past but this was the oddest of them all. And from a stranger who I could have squashed under my foot? Never!

Now I should have been thinking about an appropriate expression for my face. But somewhere the Tall Girl Alert had been activated in my brain and all thought processes had ceased. Instead of looking at the little one I was staring at the tall one. After a few seconds I realised I wasn’t blinking and I ordered this (I about to order something else but I am incorrigible about Tall Girls, I guess).

image

There is this nice little shopping complex at Nagavara where I go quite often. Avishek needed to check out Samsung J7 as he finally decided to upgrade his old and tender Samsung Galaxy Duos after 4 long years. We went and enquired about it and before leaving we decided to have an Ice cream but I am not fond of the Ice cream shop there so I decided to have McDonald’s McFlurry.

Today as I was going about savoring every last piece of my order a big business family walked in. There was an old lady who was probably the head of the house hold and accompanying her were her three daughters-in-law with a whole bunch of toddlers. The old lady was a domineering woman with complete control over the workings of her family. Her sons kept calling her on the four mobiles that each of them were carrying and asking her permission to do this and that.She sat like an old powerful queen on the chair with her family members sitting all around her trying to please her and elevate themselves in her eyes. I was impressed by this matriarchal display of authority in what seemed to be an otherwise traditional Indian family. 

But then my eyes fell on the three daughters-in-law. All of them were wearing sarees and their heads were covered with the pallu as a mark of respect towards their mother-in-law (or maybe they had no other choice but to keep their heads covered). None of them looked a day over twenty-five and in fact one of them looked even younger than me. She had a baby in her arms and every now and then she would look at it and give a small, almost invisible and inaudible sigh. All of them had a smile on their face, a very synthetic smile, a very artificial smile which was not in keeping with the great food I was having. 

I stopped eating to take a better look at them, to peer through their eyes and see the truth behind those fake smiles. All I could see were broken dreams and crushed ambitions. All around them were young people talking excitedly about their future plans, their careers, the new film in the theatres; and sitting there with their heads covered and listening intently yet uninterestedly to an old queen were these three young women. Marriage and motherhood slapped on their faces. 

One could argue that they were happily married and what woman wouldn’t want to be a mother. May be the only ambition they ever nurtured was to become a house wife and raise sons who would grow up and marry more women like them or raise daughters who would be married off into other such families. May be they all enjoyed covering their heads with the pallu and listening to the words of wisdom of the old queen. But why did I hear the faint cry of a dream, a dream which knew its end was inevitable. She looked at the baby and took another sigh.

May be a new dream was born.

Now, videos time.

Aargh!!! Not again.

I am extremely mad at myself. I am so mad, that I feel crazier than usual. At times like these I wish there was someone who could whack me and straighten that convoluted head of mine.

This is a random post as I have nothing to write about. But there are lots of bits and pieces of thoughts in my mind from last couple of days and they are troubling me, so I decided to write them down. You may ask why can’t I write it in private? Writing in private takes the fun out of it and I have a pretty boring life so I like to have fun whenever I get chance. There is not a clear direction of what I am going to write about but a perfect example of how I like to think about things. Starting with puzzling Q and A and then deciding which one is better before settling down to form an opinion about it. I have opinions and you have to be ready with logic and explanations if you ever want to challenge my opinions.

Brace yourselves, Puzzled thoughts are coming!

1). I simply don’t know when to give up. I should learn to take a hint. Never been given a cold shoulder before (it’s happened once earlier, but that was just pathetic). The weird thing is, I don’t feel hurt – I just feel odd. Pride and arrogance tell me that there is no possible reason for anyone to ignore me. Or is there?
This is my punishment for being so easily amused and cheerful all the time – a good solid dose of depression. It’s definitely not helping the cause of writing. Neither is continuously thinking about the gorgeous girl who I always meet (accidentally) in the office elevator.

2). Every now and then I reach the conclusion that the Universe has nothing left to teach me. Or that whatever else is left, is either useless or redundant. I wallow in the splendid muck of my ignorance. And then the Universe drags me out, gives me a cold shower, cleans me from head to toe and proceeds to give me a whipping which would make any Los Angles dominatrix proud. I hear you loud and clear Universe.

You.
Are.
My.
Daddy.

3). Depression and excitement can go together – I am a stinking potpourri of emotions these days. I make myself sick.

4). I figured out something when I was twelve years old. I was a bright, precocious brat with a simple view of the world. I figured that elders (anyone who was older than me) had nothing to offer me as far as knowledge was concerned. Considering I was so young, this notion might look childish, but today I can add the weight of a decade of experience behind it. In my humble opinion elders have not been responsible for a single bit of knowledge in my head – either it was already there and I just needed to discover it or else I was smart enough to figure things out on my own. Elders may have played the role of a guide in some of the discoveries but given enough time I would have stumbled upon those hidden springs of knowledge on my own. A very egomaniacal thought but I stand by it.
I come to the next more crucial point. My mental growth is now almost stagnant; it has remained so for the last couple of years. 

5). Life is going on at a steady pace, which can be a good thing, but I prefer a sinusoidal curve. I some how feel that inertia has set in and I am waiting for something big and drastic to happen (ok I have a vague notion of the kind of thing I’ll call drastic, so it wouldn’t be a bolt from the blues). For now my fingers are crossed and double crossed.

It is ironic but even a steady and assured upward-looking future is sending me into a depression. Carpe diem, that’s what a friend said. How?