Slaughtering the predator.

Winning a woman’s heart is like a conquest. Once she has fallen in love with you she is no better than a trophy hanging on a wall above the fireplace – a fond reminder of a successful kill. The thrill of romance is in the chase – approaching her, breaking the ice, getting her to agree for the first date, wining and dining her, slowly making her fall in love with you – that is the chase. Every time she looks into your eyes she sees the future, she sees what she can become because of you. Promises are made, which in the heat of the moment come from the bottom of your heart. You leave no stone unturned in winning her. You make her feel special. Each meeting is an improvement on the previous one. Finally the relationship becomes a series of dates – fantastic but meaningless. Were you just trying to tame a wild beast, trying to prove to yourself that you still got it? You wonder.

The realization slowly sinks in. You don’t love her, never did. You loved what she represented – a big fat kill – a challenge that you accepted and won. You call her. Tell her ‘We have to talk’. You make excuses.

It’s not you, it’s me.
I have fallen out of love.
You deserve someone better.

Your mind is concocting stories, coming up with lies faster than you can think. She just sits there dumbfounded, hardly able to believe what she’s listening. You walk away, leaving her behind in tears. You are oddly relieved, even a little happy. You justify your every action to yourself. It was for the best, you say. But guilt slowly creeps its way into your heart. You need a break. You cut yourself from the rest of the world, immerse yourself completely in work. A month goes by. Your conscience is now clear.

You are out partying with your friends. You spot someone dancing. You like what you see. Her every move is irresistible. Your eyes regain that lost spark. Your friends catch you eying her. They spur you on – go for it dude! They make jibes – she’s out of your league! ‘Want to make a small wager out of it’ you tell your friends.

You walk over to her table. Make a witty remark about the music. She and her friends laugh. You ask her for a dance then make fun of your own dancing abilities. You stumble. She laughs. She helps you out with a few moves. You are a fast learner. Now you show her a couple of your moves. She is amazed. She claps. ‘You tricked me, you are a great dancer.’ You laugh your easy laugh, the one which makes everyone around you comfortable. The two of you keep dancing – your bodies getting closer with every passing minute.

You bring her back to your table. Introduce her to your friends. They salute you – their way of accepting defeat. Her friends also join your group. Everyone seems happy, smiles all around. You are the master of your domain. You are the focus of everyone’s attention. She notices it. She has a twinkle in her eyes. She looks at her friends. Nods, smiles, pinches, winks all indicate –

We love him!
He’s a catch.

She takes your hand in hers. You look at the hands and then you look into her eyes. Both of you smile. When no one is looking you steal a kiss. She is shocked, but feels an exhilaration she has never felt before. She clasps your hand tighter.

You look up. A new group of girls is entering the pub. They look familiar. You knew them once, used to hang out with them. It dawns on you. It’s her. The fat one enters first, followed by the talkative one being badgered by the smartass and then her.

Did someone turn the music off? There is silence everywhere. You look around. Everyone’s lips are moving. You can see a flurry of activity around you – the pitcher of beer falling on the neighbouring table, the waiters running towards it, the girl next to you talking to her friend, her hand still wrapped in yours. But you can’t hear a word. The silence around you is deafening. ‘What is wrong with me?’

You snap out of it. All your senses come back. You excuse yourself – make a joke about going to the little boys’ room. They all laugh. Why do they always laugh at that one? You wonder. You walk out. You see her and her friends being escorted to a table on the other side of the room. They haven’t noticed you.

She is smiling. But it looks forced. She hasn’t been out in a while. Her friends are trying to cheer her up. She is still not over you. She is still not over you? You walk out of the pub, head towards the men’s room and splash some water on your face.

You know what has to be done. You walk out, enter the elevator and push the button for the terrace. There are people all around you. They are dancing to some loud music. You walk over to the parapet wall and sit on it with your feet dangling outwards. You feel the wind in your face. You breathe in. You apologize – apologize for every heart you have ever broken. You close your eyes. You are calm. And then it happens.

Actually a number of things happen simultaneously – 37 to be precise. That particular spot on the parapet wall is actually a worm-hole, a gateway (more like a back door entry) to the rest of the universes. Oh yes! And there are 37 of them. You fall into all these 37 universes at the same time. But the outcome is different in all the cases. Here are some of them:

– You decide to jump. You are smashed to a pulp after falling twelve floors.

– You decide not to jump. As you are about to get off the wall some idiot bumps into you and you are smashed to a pulp after falling twelve floors.

– You walk back to the pub and apologize to the first girl. Then you go back to your table and live happily ever after with the second girl who loves holding your hand.

– You finally come out of the closet.

So what happens to you?

Note :
image

Now I assume, Ms AM, you understood the reference(on instagram) why despite having a good start, things didn’t worked out as expected that day for us.

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I , Me and Myself

Okay, the title of this blog post is amusing enough to get your attraction. If it isn’t, then please fuck off. As it isn’t for you. This is very close to me that’s why I am not going to share it on my social media and will give it to only those who I think deserves to read this.

It is a short memoir ; so it is going to full of rants (my favourite pass time activity) and loathing (to myself and to the world). Don’t read it if you can’t digest the truth (from my eyes). Language is going to be rough as I speak that day in day out.

Let’s begin the showdown. It is going to be in the form of an Interview . I love giving interviews , it doesn’t matter what type of interview would that be. For me when you meet someone for the first time, it is an interview as you both are trying to dig up the facts so that you can judge each other to decide on the Right Swipe or the Left Swipe (Tinder reference,bitch). And it is me interviewing myself.

Question : Why I decided to write one knowing that I am no one in the crowd and I hadn’t done anything significant till now?
Answer : We are living in a world where there are no real good models and whoever is there, they have no interest in helping you to get your shit together and with the rise of internet penetration , we have torrents. And what do we do with that? We go to IMDb and Rotten Tomatoes and search for the highest rated shows and then we see them. Why do we do that? Because they all have “alpha” males who are working on the blurry line between white and black to build their life. We have

Walter White , Harvey Specter , Bobby Axelrod , Hannibal Lecter and Dexter Morgan

(there are many, but these are on my mind right now).What do they have in common? They all built their lives themselves from the ashes.And we want to be them and that’s why an interrogation is needed to decide whether we are worthy of becoming something like them or not and this will be sort of that thing.

Question : Background ?
Answer : I have a family who built their life themselves without taking any shit from what other people think about them. First I will talk about my mother.It all started when my great grandfather came to Jamshedpur to start a life with his family in 1936. He started working at Tata Steel. He had 2 sons and 4 daughters. His eldest son is my grandfather , so we will focus on him only. His wife died when his childrens were quite young. My grandfather was in Class 10 then and his siblings were very young. He was a very bright student, yet he decided to join Tata Steel in 1957 to support the family with his father. He joined as an Artisan Trainee and retired as Manager – Quality Assurance in 1998. In between that he completed his engineering in mechanical engineering by studying in the evening classes provided by Tata Steel in 8 years. In his batch they started with 50 students but only 8 students completed . He was studying along with his full-time day job with ensuring that his children and siblings get the proper education. And he succeeded in it. My mother has 2 PostGraduate degrees and my uncles are well established in their areas of work. Now about my father, he was very young when his parents died. He was 2 when his mother passed away and 16 when his father passed away. His uncle took him under his tutelage and made sure he and his sisters get the proper education. My father had almost spent his entire student life in hostels studying and giving tutions for the education fees , all that by himself. He also has a PG degree. And my father and mother got married in 1987 and then came me and my sister and they all made sure that we both get proper education and all the things which will enable us to fight the world to claim what is ours. So they built their empires themselves and me and my sister are making ours now.

Question : Education ?
Answer : An average student all my life but with a great intuition and eye for detail in the smallest of things. That made me good in Maths and all that required Skill and Creativity. Learnt drawing for few years(4 years to be exact) but the problem came when I can’t create anything by my own but became extremely good in understanding other’s work and present it in a way which the creator wouldn’t have thought. I was good with colors and right now that helps me in figuring out the filters when posting images (Instagram reference). On the school side , I was doing what I caught my attention and then come my engineering years. Those 4 years were a complete turmoil for me. And they changed me for the bad. If given another chance, I will never visit that place again, it is never in my good thoughts. I lost more there than I recieved from there.

Question : Upbringing ?
Answer : Pretty awesome. I had my fair share of the all the activities which one should have. I became a sociopath as the environment in which I was growing up had no one of my age. Either they were much older than me or they were much younger and I adjusted to that. It was a Mafia feeling. But that thing made me a disabled person when dealing with persons of my age. It affected me in the college. I had all my friends who were senior to me and that’s why I don’t have a single meaningful relationship with my batchmates, it is just “Hi-Bye”.

Question : Friends ? Girlfriends ?
Answer : I don’t know. I don’t have time for other’s bullshit. There are few but we all are busy in our lifes , I think. But we all know we are there for each other when we need each other. I had quiet a few girlfriends but nothing worked out as our thinking didn’t matched with each other. In some cases I was more progressive and in some cases she was more. Hoping to meet someone who is on the same page with me. Fingers crossed though.

Question : What was the main reason for the breakups?
Answer : I did somethings of which I am not proud of but I think that was the correct things to do at that time. And I am not a strong believer of marriages. So I think breakup was already on the cards in the beginning of those relationships.

Question : Class ?
Answer : Yes, for me class is important. But it is a very objective viewpoint. People say that the clothes I wear shows my class which is nothing but I feel pity for them. They think wearing brands makes them classy but it isn’t class and “class” is something else. For me it is : wearing clean cloths , presentable looks and “a beautiful mind”. Because the looks are going to fade away with age. George Clooney and Nicole Kidman are only ones last time I checked who still are awesome as they were at the start of their careers . But with “a beautiful mind” you can always be graceful and most important you know what is important and what needs your attention. Because we are living in a world where we have access to all the information and we are in need of a filter to get the relevant ones and that filter comes from your education or my grandfather calls it “common sense” , which is not at all common now a days.

Question : Role models?
Answer : Quite a few. I don’t want to name them. But we all are pretty close at the time of need.

Question : Career?
Answers : I always thought that we were destined for greater things. I see my friends around me and I see so much talent. But all seems to be going to waste. Not that we don’t have time or resources for doing other things(artistic or intellectual). But the moment I try doing something new, something out of the ordinary I start thinking about its use to my future. I have started looking at all things through this screen of materialistic instincts. I miss the time when I could do something just for the heck of it. Now everything has to be a part of this larger master-plan. All this makes me think — Where did I go wrong? Maybe these issues will sort themselves out.

Question : God?
Answers : I don’t believe in it as I never found any help when it was needed. But I am trying to believe in the Angel therapy. It is a matter of time before I fully believe in one.

Question : Strength?
Answer : Compulsive obsession to get the things done. And learn things as quickly as possible. Thinking on the feet.

Question : Weakness?
Answer : I analyze things too much. On the work side it is a boon but on the personal side it is bane.

Question : Are you ambitious?
Answer :
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Question : You want me to ask more?
Answer : Fuck you. I am done.